Drivel decoder

• DRIVEL DECODER (patent pending) With the proliferation of convoluted marketing terminology (all the bullshit) that abounds in advertising, I thought the time was ripe for some sort of translation device. A simple platform that can take the meaningless gibberish found in most job postings, and turn it into simple English. I give you: The Drivel Decoder. Simply type in the word or phrase you don’t understand and get an immediate translation in real time beside it. Here’s an example: WORD/PHRASE NINJA = Someone who is good at their job Let’s try some more shall we? WIZARD = Someone who is good at their job SUPERSTAR = Someone who good at their job UNICORN = Someone who is good at their job GUN = Someone who is good at their job ROCKSTAR = Someone who is good at their job Fuck, I think it’s broken. Oh, no wait. My bad. It’s just they all mean the same. The drivel decoder also does phrases. Let’s try a few. MEANINGFUL CONTENT = Good work THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX = Use your brain FAST-PACED = Busy POSITIVE 'CAN-DO ATTITUDE = kiss ass RAPIDLY CHANGING ENVIRONMENT = Stays the same HIT THE GROUND RUNNING = Works hard MOVE THE NEEDLE = Get results INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY = A job DYNAMIC ENVIRONMENT = Entirely ordinary office FANTASTIC GROUP OF PEOPLE = Entirely ordinary office workers EYE FOR DETAIL = Not a complete imbecile RELATIONSHIP BUILDING = Talking to people in the kitchen PROACTIVE THINKER = Capable of own ideas PASSIONATELY INTERESTED = Doesn’t mind doing ENTHUSIASTIC = Will probably turn up most days SELF-STARTER = A match could not be found. Possibly phrase is meaningless. EXCEPTIONAL WRITTEN COMMUNICATION SKILLS = You can write DEMONSTRATED BACKGROUND = You’ve actually done it before TIME MANAGEMENT PROFICIENCY = Gets job done on time SOLID TEAM PLAYER = Not a complete c**t. GREAT COMPANY CULTURE = Ordinary company culture INTERESTED? = Desperate? Let’s finish with a hard one: PROACTIVELY DEVELOP AND MAINTAIN AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH INTERNAL STAKEHOLDERS ACROSS THE BUSINESS = Get on with people If you have any marketing gobbledygook you are struggling to understand, then please submit it in the comments section below and I will translate it with the drivel decoder. Jeremy is a peripatetic curator of words (freelance writer) currently engaged in seeking gainful employ in the environs of Sydney. (Looking for work locally.) If you have any written or conceptual tasks you deem appropriate to Jeremy’s skills and inclinations (if you’ve got any jobs) then don’t hesitate to email him (hit him up) at jeremys2211@gmail.com