Last week’s post was highly successful and resulted in a flurry of emails from various agencies.
Admittedly, they were rejection emails for jobs I had applied for some months prior, but still, it was nice that my post reminded them to do the right thing. Eventually.
What was disappointing, however, was the fact that all of the emails were pretty much identical, both in content and in their breath-taking levels of insincerity.
So I thought I might take this opportunity to go through one of these rejection emails and break down what it actually means beneath its thinly-veiled platitudes and overworked clichés.
Dear Jeremy,
There’s your first clue. The word ‘dear’ in this instance means expensive. Probably one of the major reasons they’ve decided not to go with you. Having clocked your achievements and levels of experience, they’ve deduced, either correctly or incorrectly, that you will expect to be paid a shit-ton of money.
Thank you for your interest in working with (insert company.)
Up until the end of this sentence you are still theoretically in with a chance.
The glorious optimist in you wills the next words to read….
We are delighted to offer you….
But of course, they don’t.
What they actually say is that single soul-destroying word that always serves as the precursor for some really shit news.
Unfortunately,
At this point you can, to all intents and purposes, stop reading. Nothing good follows the word unfortunately, does it? It’s not like it’s gonna say, “unfortunately we are offering you the role.”
And yet, you read on, impelled mainly by morbid curiosity as to how they are going to weasel their way out of this one.
After careful consideration
Isn’t modern technology a marvel? I didn’t know recruitment robots were capable of careful consideration.
We are unable to offer you a position.
Note the use of the word unable. The subtle inference being that they really, really wanted to offer you the gig, but they just couldn’t. Due to circumstances beyond their control.
It should actually, of course, read we are unwilling to offer you the job.
Right, that’s the execution done with. You are now presumably broken, spiritless and apathetic.
Time to inject a tiny note of optimism into proceedings to lighten the darkness just a little.
At this time.
At this time? You mean there is a chance you might hire me at a later date?
Well, no.
Unfortunately, (there’s that word again) at this time means quite simply…
Ever.
As in
We are unwilling to offer you a job ever.
We would like to keep your resume on file
We would like to….
But we won’t.
What we’ll actually do is let your resume swirl impotently in the vacuum of cyberspace for a few months, and then, after a suitable period of time has elapsed, discreetly delete it.
Should a vacancy suitable to your skillset arise.
What, you mean like the job I just applied for?
We will, of course, let you know.
As white lies go, this one is rather good. I applaud the sentiment, I really do.
Unfortunately, (there’s your hat trick) you know, as well as I do, that you are never going to hear from that company again. Like literally never.
Again, thanks for applying.
The reiteration of the phrase, “thanks for applying” shows the depth and sincerity of their grief at not being able to employ you and portrays them as a truly human and caring organisation.
We wish you all the best in your future job seeking endeavours.
You’re Jobseeker’s problem now.
Yours sincerely,
Yours insincerely,
Jane Smith
HR Director
Staff member tasked with the duty of ensuring that wild cards like you are winnowed out, ensuring a comfortable level of uniformity and homogeneity in those that remain. Otherwise known as culture fit.
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